


Klaus & Dave oneshots

by blughost



Category: The Umbrella Academy
Genre: AUs, And so do I, BDSM, Begging, Blow Jobs, Bratty Klaus, Bratty Klaus Hargreeves, Breathplay, Car Sex, Choking Kink, Cockwarming, Consent, Crying, Cuddles, Cum Eating, Dildos, Dom Dave, Fingering, Fluff, Gay Smut, Hair Pulling, Handcuffs, Heartwarming, IM PANSEXUAL AND SO THE FUCK IS KLAUS, Kink bingo?, Kinky, Klaus Hargreeves is a size queen, Klaus Hargreeves is a slut, Klaus is a brat, Klaus is a tease, Klaus is into ddlb/ddlg, Klaus is nasty in bed, Klaus likes sex if you couldn’t tell, Klaus likes to suck on things, Lube, M/M, Mpreg, Office Sex, Oh the stories that are gonna come outta this, PTSD, Punishments, Semi-Public Sex, Sex, Sex Toys, Short Stories, Sleepy Sex, Smut, Spankings, Stripper Klaus, Teasing, Temper Tantrums, This is just gonna turn into smut with sprinkles of fluff, Uniform Kink, anal sex duh, basically he always needs something in his mouth, bottomklaus/topdave, care giver Dave Katz, clubs, consent is sexy y’all, daddy dom Dave Katz, dave can deliver, ddlb/ddlg, domestic at times, don’t fucking judge me, don’t kink shame Klaus, don’t read this in front of grandma, fUCK ME, fucked up shit that comes to my brain, glad we’re on the the same page, kink bingo !, kinky bastards, klaus hargreeves can be a world class brat, klaus hargreeves has a daddy kink, klaus hargreeves is a whore, klaus is a little slut, klaus is a twink, klaus likes dick and pussy but mostly dick, klaus likes to have something in his mouth always, little Klaus, little Klaus Hargreeves, lube is important, messy sweaty sex, more sexual Then pornhub, more tags I’m too lazy to list, no beta we die like ben, no incest ya nastys, oneshots, sassy Klaus Hargreeves, sex worker Klaus Hargreeves, so what if Klaus is a mess Dave loves him anyway, sub klaus, temper tantrums because it’s klaus, thats right mpreg cuz I said so, we all collectively agree that Klaus is a bottom yes?!, we don’t spit in this house we swallow, what even is beta?, what schedule hoe, which is actually normal Klaus Hargreeves, yes I added supernatural quotes in here sue me mother fuckers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2020-01-11
Packaged: 2020-03-13 06:33:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blughost/pseuds/blughost
Summary: One shots of Klaus and Dave cuz there isn’t enough of them





	1. He fought in Vietnam dumbass

**Author's Note:**

> These are also on wattpad 
> 
> This first one is based on that one tumblr post about Klaus with a gun shooting people except in my version of it dave is with him cuz fuck the tua writers

The Hargreeves and Dave found themselves under attack once again this time it had been Luther’s fault go figure he’d decide that it would be a good idea to piss off a drug dealing gang that Klaus had previous run ins with in the past , so now here they were being shot at in their own house once again  
“When this is over Luther I’m kicking your ass!” Diego said from his spot behind the book shelf in the living room “I second that” Klaus said from his behind the pool table with Dave and Ben this turn of advents was doing nothing to help Klaus’s PTSD and flashbacks to last week more like 50 ish years ago in Vietnam .

Diego throw a knife at one of the attackers killing him they had all moved from their previous hiding spots to running around the house fighting the attackers while being shot at “Well this certainly brings back childhood memories that I’ve worked so hard to repress” Klaus said to Ben before ducking behind the bar just as a an attacker was sent flying into the liquor shelf compliments of Vanya  
Klaus had covered his ears as more gang members burst through the doors wielding machine guns Klaus’s ears began ringing his breathing uneven closing his eyes he was suddenly on the battle field again watching his brothers in combat die with tears streaming down his face Klaus pushed his head back against the dirt no wait wood since when is there wood in a war zone? Klaus opened his eyes again his brain slowly realizing he was back home with Dave in 2019 . Klaus’s breathing was still shaky when he grabbed the 9MM semi automatic pistol from the body that Vanya threw into the liquor shelf a few minutes prior 

Getting up from off the floor ducking around to the other side of the bar so that he was wedged between the bar stools and the couch Klaus was shaking a little still holding the gun trying to get his breathing under control Klaus checked the bullet clip in the magazine there were fifteen spaces in total the gun already having been fired three times left Klaus with twelve rounds left Klaus got off the ground standing up in full sight of the attackers  
“Klaus ! What are you doing” Diego said looking at his brother like he had finally gone off the deep end Luther was next to speak up “Whoa there dude , maybe you should put that down” he said but Klaus didn’t hear either one of his siblings his ears still ringing as he proceeded to cock and pulling the gun aiming for the ten remaining attackers tears were streaming down Klaus’s face as he shot each of the gang members in the forehead

When they were all dead Klaus three the gun on the ground his legs feeling like jelly causing him to loose his balance falling to the floor on his knees his ears had finally stopped ringing his breathing had finally returned to some what of a normal pattern Klaus finally took a minute to look around at the damage there were bodies and blood all over along with bullets and broken glass he looked at his siblings who all stood there with shocked reactions except Ben , Ben was siting on the pool table with a proud expression on his face Klaus looked at Dave who was standing next to Ben with a smile on his face he had always liked watching Klaus on the battle field considering Dave had been the one to teach Klaus everything 

“What the hell was that?“ Allison asked looking at her brother with a stunned reaction before Klaus had the chance to answer there was a flash of blue light and Five appeared with a smirk on his face and a cup of coffee in hand “He fought in Vietnam dumbass , now let’s go get some food I’m starving” Five said in his usual tone walking out the front door “Ok we’re talking about this over dinner ” Diego said following Five out the door Allison and Luther followed along with Vanya and Ben “Hey Klaus , you coming ?” Ben asked Klaus nodded his head “yeah, Yeah just give me a minute” Klaus said pulling himself off the ground Ben said ok before he left 

Klaus looked at Dave pulling him into a hug tears flowing from Klaus’s green eyes again leaving streaks of eyeliner down his face “I love you , it’s ok Klaus , look at me baby” Dave said rubbing Klaus’s back gently Klaus looked at his boyfriend who wiped the tears away from Klaus’s face “I love you” Dave said again leaning so that his lips brushed against Klaus’s “I love you too” Klaus said pushing his lips firmly against Dave’s after a few minutes Klaus pulled away “Come on let’s go get some food I’m starving” he said in a dramatic tone Dave rolled his eyes smiling to himself as Klaus pulled him out the door


	2. Joker and Harley but it’s Klaus and Dave pt1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Like joker and Harley’s relationship but it’s Klaus and Dave   
> (Dave is a crime boss (gangsta) and Klaus go’s to his club to party he catches the eye of Dave and the rest is history) 
> 
> This idea came from Klaus probably not having a sense of what a healthy relationship is so he thinks this is what love is like Harley does

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Round two here we go 
> 
> I’m planning on making this a series and this is part one obviously I’m thinking like 20 or 30 parts to this particular one shot 
> 
> This idea came about by Klaus probably not knowing what a healthy relationship looks like kinda like Harley 
> 
> Instead of making Klaus a psychiatrist I decided to make him a waiter 
> 
> Side note ben is gonna be a figment of Klaus’s imagination in this
> 
> Maybe I’ll make this a full book at one point idk yet

Klaus found himself in yet another club that week this one was higher on the level of class and clientele that inhabited it , it was also higher on the scale of crimes that went on near and around it Klaus knew he could score some designer drugs in this place   
Klaus looked around the packed club taking in his surroundings the club had matte black floors with the words ‘Royal Flush’ in cursive gold lettering in the middle of the floor the walls were also matte black , clear cages with golden chains that hung from the ceiling stood in each corner of the club no doubt for dancers . The bar was towards the back of the club it didn’t quite belong there it had more of an old Hollywood vibe to it with its cherry oak counter and bar stools then a high class night club vibe to it   
There were twelve vip booths six on each side of the club the white leather booths were semi hidden by gold beaded curtains , next to the clubs front door there was a staircase chained off by a velvet rope with a sign that read ‘for the boss ONLY’ that was enough to make Klaus stay far away from it but it did peak his curiosity quite a bit 

Klaus made his way through the crowds of sweaty bodies to the bar it wasn’t as busy as one would have thought for the club being as crowded as it was Klaus stood next to one of the bar stools leaning his body on the bar the guy bar tending was a young college looking dude clearly a twink Klaus smiled at him putting on his best bedroom eyes   
“Hey sugar what can I get for you?” The bartender who’s name tag read Jack said looking Klaus up and down “Whatever you recommend” Klaus said leaning in to look at his name tag “Jack” he added just above a whisper biting his lip playfully Jack had clearly been a little flustered by Klaus’s forwardness he swallowed a couple times before answering the man who was practically laying over the bar arching his back so his ass was on display “Apple martini” Jack said looking at Klaus “Then I shall have an Apple martini” Klaus practically purred at him smiling a little Jack left to go make Klaus his drink Klaus looked over at the other side of the bar seeing five little blue pills no doubt ecstasy laying abandoned Klaus reached over the bar swiping three of them leaving two stray pills behind as he left the bar popping one them on his way through the crowd putting the other two in his jean pocket to save for later 

Letting the drugs take effect on his body Klaus felt like he was floating through the club dancing and grinding on people even making out with a few on his way through the crowds to the exit   
Before Klaus left he looked back his eyes meeting those of the most beautiful man Klaus has ever seen in his life before being pushed through the exit into the night 

Dave had been making a business deal when Klaus had entered his club he watched as he made his way through the crowds of people to the bar Dave watched him closely flirt with the bartender Dave growled low under his breath when Klaus arched his back so his ass was sticking out Dave took his eyes off of the sparkly twink to see what the man sitting across from him had to say but to be honest Dave wasn’t really interested with a snap of his fingers the man was being dragged to the back room to be taken care of , Dave looked back just in time to see Klaus stealing drugs from his bar he watched intensely at him while he danced and made out with people to get to the door his eyes met Klaus’s as he left the club   
Dave smiled to himself 

‘Game on baby’

_____________________________________________

The next morning Klaus skipped into the dinner he worked at Eudora the owner was Diego’s girlfriend after some persuading on both Klaus and Diego’s sides she finally gave Klaus a job waiting tables he wasn’t half bad at it sure he messed up a few orders and ‘accidentally’ spilled hot coffee on someone who tried to grab his ass when he worked a night shift but other then that he had fun with it plus he thought he looked cute in his uniform it was a tight button up teal shirt that Klaus paired with a tight skirt of the same color that landed higher on his thigh then intended topped off with a white frilly apron tied around his waist the whole ensemble oddly went with his converse so that was a plus 

“Morning Klaus , still getting high every night” Eudora said “Depends” Klaus said back “still doing my brother” Eudora looked at Klaus speechless Klaus smiled at her making a mental note to celebrate this little victory later he went to work on waiting tables   
The diner was fairly quiet for it being a Saturday afternoon a few customers here and there by the time six o clock rolled around Klaus was bored out of his mind “Eudora” Klaus whined “I’m bored” Eudora rolled her eyes at him “Lucky for you some customers just walked in” she said going in the back Klaus sighed going over to wait on the customers they were three grown men is suits Klaus gave them all a once over the one who seemed to be the boss had chocolate brown hair that was slightly curly he looked oddly familiar to Klaus and honestly quite attractive , Klaus brushed it off as New York being a large city going to take their orders Klaus put on his best flirty smile and eyes making his way over to the table he flattened out his apron and skirt 

“What can I get you fine gents , this evening” Klaus said the other two men at the table did a double take at Klaus’s outfit before going back to looking at their phones “Coffee” the boss said looking up at Klaus Klaus’s breath got caught in his throat for moment he was looking at the most beautiful man he had ever seen in his life even still he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen him before Klaus swallowed before speaking again “Three coffees it is then” he said back with a smile turning to leave 

Dave looked up at the waiter it was the same twink that had swiped drugs from his club the other night he was no doubt pretty with his piercing green eyes that were lined it suited him too bad he was gonna be dealt with by the end of today nobody stole from Dave Katz the only ones who did weren’t around to tell the tail of how or why , it was a shame really Dave had kinda liked this one too bad he had sticky fingers   
Klaus came back to the table with three cups of coffee and a check saying that they could pay whenever they were ready and left again this time Dave’s eyes followed him he was at the counter talking to another employee who made him sign out before he went out the back door . Dave excused himself from the table slipping out the back door to go find the twink that owed him an explanation before he broke him fingers for stealing 

Klaus sighed as he walked out the back door he had worked a double and was really looking forward to going out clubbing again tonight it was Friday night and his weekend was just beginning he needed to get home and changed before he went out he smelt like diner food and coffee . Klaus shoved his hands in his pockets as he turned down the alley that was behind the diner the alleyway was pretty long and it took a solid five minutes to walk it but Klaus didn’t mind he liked the time to think not that he usually thought about much but it was still nice Klaus walked in silence for a few minutes before Ben appeared by his side “You know , stealing drugs off the bar of a club owned by the biggest crime boss in the city real nice move” Ben said in a sarcastic tone Klaus rolled his eyes at him “Relax I’m still alive aren’t I , I highly doubt that the biggest crime boss in the city cares about some twink that ripped him off last night ” Klaus said back “Whatever but when you end up in a ditch or half beaten to death in a alley don’t come crying to me , because I’ll tell you I told you so” Ben said before disappearing he seemed to do that a lot Klaus wasn’t sure where he went exactly or why but he didn’t like to question Ben he was the only one who didn’t judge him for Klaus being Klaus   
Klaus and made it half way down the alley when he heard someone coming up behind him instead of looking behind him like a normal person might do he just walked faster Ben appeared next to him again “Whatever you do don’t look behind you” was all he said before disappearing again Klaus probably should of listened to that because when he stopped and turned around he got a fist to the face and everything went dark 

_____________________________________________

Klaus came to hours later tied to a chair in the middle of a dimly lit room with two men in either corner dressed in dark suits holding guns in their hand Klaus squeezed his eyes shut opening them again letting his eyes adjust to the room he had a dull aching pain in his face and head his nose was bleeding down his face dripping on to his diner uniform , Klaus groaned rolling his head back stretching his neck he knew if Ben were here right now he would have said ‘I told you so’ Klaus rolled his eyes at the thought of that laughing a little pulling at the ropes that secured his wrists and ankles to the chair Klaus darted his tongue out to lick his dry lips but it was stopped by a piece of tape covering his mouth this was just fabulous he’d done some shit in his life but never anything that resulted in this

Klaus’s head snapped up when he heard someone else enter the room Klaus didn’t recognize him at first till he heard his voice it was the man from the diner that he waited on the man looked at Klaus with a smile taking off his suit jacket rolling up the sleeves of his white dress shirt Klaus had to admit he was a little turned on at the sight he sure he would of moaned had it not been for the tape covering his mouth “Leave us” the man said to the other in the room who all obeyed leaving just them Klaus’s eyes followed Dave as he moved walking around the chair Klaus was tied to stopping in front of the chair squatting down a little so that he was eye level with Klaus brown eyes burning into Klaus’s green ones the man pulled the duct tape off of Klaus’s mouth Klaus winched a little as it pulled at his facial hair a bit he groaned coughing a little bit 

Dave smirked at him “ Poor baby” Dave said in a mocking tone getting up throwing the tape on the floor “So Klaus , tell me did you enjoy yourself last night “ Dave said “I know stealing can be quite fun” Klaus kept his mouth shut his eyes glued to the floor “Aww what’s the matter , cat got your tongue” Dave mocked looking at the twink tied to the chair in front of him after a few minutes Dave got tired of waiting for Klaus to answer   
“You going to talk or am I going to have to make you” Dave said his tone etching on annoyed   
Klaus thought for a moment before looking at Dave sticking his tongue out at him rolling his eyes looking bored smiling to himself “I’m gonna ask you one more time , are you gonna talk or am I gonna have to make you” Dave said again “I had fun stealing those drugs from you I’d do it again” Klaus said   
Dave had had just about enough of Klaus at this point he was in front of him again Klaus looked at him again smiling he was happy with himself knowing that he was pissing this dude off there was two ways that this could play out one he’d kill Klaus or he’d let him go either one Klaus was happy with 

Klaus was met with a hard slap across the face for that statement Klaus laughed again “mmhn Kinky” Klaus said snapping his teeth mimicking a bite giggling like a the crazy person he is 

“Oh I’m glad you’re enjoying this baby , the fun’s only just begun” Dave said his eyes dark with a smile that made him look positively predatory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m cutting this chapter off here cuz I’m evil 😈 mwhahaha 
> 
> More chapters coming soon plus smut 
> 
> Thanks for the kudos on the last chapter 🥰 I love you guys


	3. You never could control me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s pure smut  
> Klaus is a fucking brat and Dave has enough

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This idea sparked from dirty tumblr posts 
> 
> I haven’t written smut in a minute 
> 
> Idk how this is gonna turn out 
> 
> Okey dokey on with the porn !
> 
> Klaus has a daddy kink in this sorry not sorry

“You suck!” Klaus yelled at Dave “I’m not the one who flirts with anything that moves” Dave argued back “It gets information! I’m taking time out of my day to help you! Because you and my dumbass brother can’t do your fucking jobs!” Klaus yelled louder Dave’s eyes got darker looking at Klaus “I can do my job just fine, neither me nor Diego asked you to fucking help ! You just can’t mind your business! Just for once stop fucking slutting it up!” Dave said voice dark Klaus rolled his eyes pushing Dave getting in his face “Slutting it up! You don’t mind me ‘slutting it up’ when it’s for you! You expect me to be a perfect little saint for the world but a whore for you! You want to fucking control me you don’t even know me! You made me fall in love with you asshole , half the time it’s like you don’t love me back! I fucking wish I never fucking met you! You fucking bitch, I hate you!” Klaus yelled tears streaming down his face he brung his hand up to smack Dave across the face  
Dave grabbed Klaus’s wrist twisting it in his tight grip Dave’s other hand going around Klaus’s throat forcing him up against the kitchen wall “Wanna try that again baby?” Dave growled eyes dark smirking , Klaus whimpered at that Dave’s grip tightened on Klaus’s throat letting go of Klaus’s wrist forcing him down on his knees he moved his hand from Klaus’s throat up to his jaw forcing Klaus to open his mouth Klaus looked up at his boyfriend “You wanna act like a whore fine , I’m gonna treat you like one” Dave said using his other hand to undo his pants and belt pulling out his long hard thick nine inch cock “Suck” Dave ordered forcing himself in Klaus’s mouth down his throat 

Klaus gaged around him spit and pre-cum running down his chin more tears leaking out of his eyes Dave grabbed a fist full of Klaus’s hair forcing Klaus to suck his cock Klaus whined and gaged around Dave’s cock again Dave’s grip on his hair tightened pushing him further down his cock forcing Klaus to deep throat him Klaus was forcibly breathing hard through his nose trying hard not to choke again he hollowed his cheeks bobbing his head up and down dragging his tongue up the underside of his cock Klaus brought his hand up to palm at Dave’s balls Klaus moaned around his cock as Dave pulled his head back almost all the way off his dick holding Klaus’s head in place he thrust his hips forward face fucking Klaus , Klaus had tears and spit running down his face he looked up at Dave through his wet lashes eyes wide Dave looked down at him he wiped Klaus’s tears away with his thumb “Aww poor baby” Dave mocked “You look so pretty like this baby taking my cock like the little whore you are” Dave said Klaus groaned around his cock sucking harder  
Dave bit his lip to keep from moaning Klaus sucked harder again his tongue circling the head pressing his tongue flat against it lapping like he was eating a lollipop Dave’s eyes rolled back as he pushed Klaus down on his cock cumming down his throat Klaus had no choice but to swallow Dave pulled Klaus off his cock even though his jaw hurt from where Dave had held him in place Klaus let out a whine of protest at the loss of contact 

Dave pulled Klaus off his knees Klaus stood on wobbly legs trying to get his balance under control Dave’s hand was around Klaus’s throat again squeezing just tight enough that Klaus could still breath but just barely Dave pushed Klaus back against the large island that stood in the middle of the kitchen Klaus groaned again he was hard and the little black fishnet booty shorts he’d been wearing with a mini pink crop top that said ‘Daddy’ across the front did nothing to hide how much he was enjoying this Dave kissed Klaus hard his tongue forcing his swollen plump lips apart Klaus grinded his erection against Dave’s hard wet cock whimpering at the sensation he felt from it Dave pulled away from the kiss biting Klaus’s lip hard drawing blood Dave ran his tongue over Klaus’s bleeding lip Klaus hissed at the action loving but also hating the burn from it 

“Please” Klaus whimpered when he felt Dave’s hand palming his erection through his shorts “Please ple- ah-ase please ” Klaus whined grinding his cock on Dave’s hand only to have his hips pushed back pinned to the island “So needy ” dave said “What do you want baby?” Dave said licking the outer shell of Klaus’s ear “Fuck me! please daddy please fuck me” Klaus whimpered eyes snapping shut Klaus’s back arched when he felt a hard slap on his ass Dave’s grip on his throat tightening “look at me” Dave said in a tone Klaus couldn’t help but to obey “You gotta keep quiet baby , can you do that” Dave said Klaus nodded best he could whimpering out “yes daddy”  
Dave grabbed both of Klaus’s hands in his flipping him so his face was pressed on the marble counter top Dave bounded Klaus’s hand behind his back with his belt, Dave ran his hands down Klaus’s side to his ass pulling Klaus’s sad excuse for shorts down his legs letting them drop to his bare feet Klaus spread his legs best he could bent over the island arching his back so his ass was on display Dave grabbed Klaus’s hair roughly pulling his head back shoving two fingers in his mouth Klaus got the message he sucked on the digits covering them with spit Dave pulled his fingers out of Klaus’s mouth  
Dave brought his spit covered digits down spreading them over Klaus’s hole working them in to Klaus teasingly slow Klaus groaned pushing his ass back to get more leverage Dave gripped Klaus’s hips with enough force to leave bruises keeping him from moving them Dave moved his fingers inside Klaus painstakingly slow expertly scissoring him open Klaus yelped when Dave pushed his fingers in deeper brushing his prostate 

Dave pulled his fingers out of Klaus replacing them with his cock Klaus screamed out in pleasure as Dave filled him up Dave gripped Klaus’s hair again leaning in “I said be quiet didn’t I , maybe I should just leave you hear with nothing because you can’t listen” Dave growled in his ear Klaus shook his head no he wanted Dave to fuck him into next month he wanted to feel him for days as a constant reminder of who he belonged to “No! No please I promise I’ll be quiet” Klaus whimpered tears forming in the corners of his eyes he was a pathetic whimpering crying mess under Dave’s hand Dave pulled all the way out of Klaus only to roughly slam his hips back into him Klaus’s hands formed fists behind his back as he bit his lip snapping his eyes shut to keep from screaming out Dave thrusts were hard and fast into Klaus the sound of skin slapping skin could be heard throughout the apartment Klaus could feel Dave in his stomach Klaus was panting letting little whimpers out as Dave fucked him , Klaus’s eyes rolled back into his head mouth hanging open as he came hard untouched Dave continued to fuck him Klaus’s painted toes curled his legs giving out as Dave fucked him through his orgasm he would have fell if Dave hadn’t been holding him up Dave latched onto Klaus’s neck biting and sucking a large hicky onto skin Klaus went limp eyes rolling back screaming out in pleaser and he came for a second time that night Dave followed soon after cumming deep inside Klaus 

Dave undid the belt that was bounding Klaus’s hands pulling out of Klaus he turned him around picking him up so he was sitting on the edge of the island Klaus was working on getting his breathing and vision back to normal his eyes were blurry and glossy post orgasm glow on his face “Hey baby look at me” Dave said his voice gentle cupping Klaus’s face in his hands “You ok?” Dave asked Klaus nodded eyes still closed sweat dripping down his face he mumbled a yes Dave turned around to grab Klaus a bottle of water out of the fridge “Drink” Dave said bringing the open bottle up to his lovers swollen bloody lips Klaus tipped his head back so he could get a drink “I’m sorry , I love you” Klaus mumbled his head hanging down eyes slowly cracking open looking at the floor he was dizzy Klaus looked up slowly at Dave “I love you too baby” Dave said kissing Klaus’s sweaty forehead Klaus’s body slumped forward into Dave’s arms as he felt Dave’s release leaking out of him , Klaus looked and felt absolutely wrecked he had bruises on his wrists , jaw, and hips his throat stomach and ass hurt he felt like he was swaying high on endorphins Klaus yawned into Dave’s chest as Dave picked him up off their counter carrying him to their bedroom Klaus wrapped his legs and arms around Dave clinging to him Klaus snuggled closer to Dave’s chest if that was even possible shutting his eyes he felt Dave put him on the bed the sheets feeling cool on his warm body Klaus whined when Dave put him down “stay with meeee” he said eyes still closed Dave chuckled going to close the bedroom door getting into bed pulling Klaus to him pulling the blankets around them Klaus smiled to himself using Dave as a pillow he was happy Dave looked down at the curly headed brat that was currently using him as a pillow “You’re such a brat” Dave laughed shutting his eyes running his hand up and down Klaus’s arm “Mmhmm but I’m your brat daddy ” Klaus said

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you like that ? I liked that , I need a shower after that 
> 
> More sexual then pornhub 😂 
> 
> What do you like better top or bottom Klaus ? 🧐
> 
> Story titled from panic! At the discos far too young to die 
> 
> Laters peeps


	4. Sober

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by Demi Lovato’s sober 
> 
> Klaus can’t go on with being sober after a fight with Dave he fucked up and he lost him he isn’t coming back or so he thinks 
> 
> Two months after the fight Dave finds Klaus sitting in a back alley needle laying next him mumbling to himself , he takes Klaus home staying with him through the withdrawals just like back in ‘Nam  
> When Klaus is feeling better he has a long talk with his family and friends both alive and dead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Sober by Demi Lovato on repeat while reading this 
> 
> I dug deep into some of my dark emotional issues and feelings to write this but I feel like needed to let out some things in a story through a character that I relate to so much on many levels

_’I’m fucked up ! You’re gonna realize that and leave me anyway” Klaus yelled “Why’d you lie to me about going to the NA meetings ? I wouldn’t care if you just told me the truth” Dave said back “Because I fuck everything up! I destroy everything that I touch even this relationship, I’m not good enough for this for you for us, it’d be so much better if I just left” Klaus said his voice cold he was looking at Dave but it was like he was looking through him Dave matched his look “Then leave” Dave said opening the apartment door “But if you walk out that door , don’t bother coming back” Dave added ice lining his voice pushing Klaus out the door slamming it behind him , Klaus looked back at the door in disbelief his voice cracking just above a whisper ‘Dave’ he whimpered lip quivering tears running down his face he pulled his black penny lane coat tighter around his small body as he walked out of the apartment building a distant look on his face_

The memory of that night haunted Klaus more then the ghost did it had been two months since then he hadn’t heard or seen Dave Klaus had gotten back into his old ways prostitution and drugs he hadn’t been sober since that night so long ago . Even Ben had left him everyone left Klaus he was a lonely worthless junkie that no one wanted around he thought to himself as he picked up the needle he sucked some dealers cock for , Klaus plunged the needle deep in the exposed vein in his arm veins filling with the sweet sinful poison Klaus pulled the needle out of his arm leaning against the alleys brick wall sliding down to sit the nagging ghosts faded away along with the rest of the world as his eyes rolled back smiling to himself  
Klaus felt someone picking him up off the cold ground setting him or trying to set him on his feet “Oh baby , what happened “ he heard a gentle voice say the voice sounded familiar but Klaus’s high mind couldn’t place it Klaus nearly fell to the ground his legs shaky Klaus felt himself being carried bridal style out of the alley he blacked out after that 

Klaus woke up in a bed not just any bed but Dave’s bed his body ached his body starting to go throught withdraws he hated this part last time he went through this had some of that gloriously strong Vietnam weed but he didn’t have that now . Klaus groaned pushing himself out of bed winching at the sunlight shining through the currents holding himself up on the wall steading his shaking legs , leaving the room making his way slowly through the apartment he knew all too well to the kitchen sitting on the bar stool hiding his head in his arms blocking out the light he had a headache he whined when he felt a hand on his back he felt like he was on fire but his body was ice cold , Dave looked at his boyfriend he knew what was happening he’d seen Klaus go through the withdrawals before he wished he could do something to help him but he knew that they just had to run they’re course the worst was still yet to come  
Klaus groaned again irritated he pushed Dave’s hand off of his body getting up making his way into the living room he just wanted a hit but he knew Dave wouldn’t let him out the door , his body wanted sleep but his mind wouldn’t allow that every time he closed his eyes he was back in ‘Nam watching people die so he sat on the couch knees in his chest face pressed into them rocking back and forth trying to calm his mind and breathing . Klaus heard Dave come into the living room he sensed his presence sit next to him “Leave me alone” Klaus said as Dave pulled his small frame into his lap holding him Klaus tried but his body was too weak and tired to push Dave off of him Klaus passed out in Dave’s arms his body finally getting the rest it so desperately needed 

Klaus woke up hours later wrapped in a blanket shaking as he clung to Dave who just held him rubbing his back the light from the tv lit up the dark room The Office was playing Klaus whined kicking the blanket off of his body he was freezing but sweating his body ached his stomach was cramped up he was in a lot of pain Klaus balled his first into Dave’s shirt whimpering as another painful cramp washed over him “Shh baby, it’s ok , just breath” Dave said quietly bringing his hand over Klaus’s abdomen rubbing softly the heat from his hand taking some of the pain away “It hurt” Klaus whimpered eyes squeezed shut “I know" Dave said holding him tighter  
The next few days only got worse for Klaus he clinged to the toilet he was nauseous and vomiting his eyes were dilated and puffy from crying , he clung to Dave when he tried to sleep but he couldn’t so he’d lay awake for hours shaking 

Klaus finally felt better a week later he was still craving a hit but at least he was sleeping and not vomiting he was also eating too so that was good . Klaus looked at his reflection in the mirror he had gathered his family and friends (making them corporal) so everyone could see them, Klaus took a deep breathing stepping out of the restroom he made his way into the living room every one was gathered around waiting on whatever Klaus had to say they all knew he hadn’t been sober in two months they hadn’t looked the least bit surprised but they were still here to support Klaus , he sat in the middle of the old sofa eyes cast down trying not to cry he’d been emotional these past few days taking a few deep breaths closing his eyes and reopening them he felt stares on him it was doing nothing to help his anxiety 

“I got no excuses for all of these goodbyes , talk to me when it’s over ‘cause I’m dying inside’. Talk to me when it’s over and myself has reappeared, I don’t know why I do it every time , it’s only when I’m lonely sometimes I just cave and I don’t wanna fight, I try and try but I’m lonely.  
Momma, I’m so sorry, I’m not sober anymore. And Pogo, please forgive me for the drinks spilled on the floor. To my siblings, the one who never left me , we’ve been down this road before, I’m so sorry I’m not sober  
I’m sorry to the friends I lost , who watched me fall again but I’m only human. I tried for so long to be perfect to be what everyone expected me to be, I tried to run from my past from the terrible memories, but it just felt easier to give in and feel better like I belong like I’m not so lonely like I’m not a waste of space like I matter like I’m worth something.  
I can’t do anything right I ruin everything I hold people back I’m a loud obnoxious unloveable junkie. I’m sorry Dave, I’m sorry I’m not sober , it happens when I’m lonely , when you left me. I’m sorry I try and try but I’m scared and lost, I need your help please help me I can’t loose you again not after everything.  
I’m sorry that I’m here again , I promise I’ll get help, it wasn’t my intention, I’m sorry to myself”

Klaus had kept his eyes glued to his lap during his speech tears running down his face Klaus looked up to see everyone in the room either had tears in their eyes or were crying , no one said anything or moved till Ben had hugged Klaus tight his siblings and friends all joined in on hugging Klaus not wanting to let him go for fear of losing him  
Later that night Dave found Klaus sitting in the academy’s garden alone playing with the dogs tags around his neck that Dave let him wear even though he was alive and well , he sat next to him on the small bench Klaus put his head on his shoulder “I’m sorry” Klaus said his voice barely above a whisper “I know , I’m sorry too, I love you” Dave whispered kissing the top of Klaus’s head “I don’t want to mess this up , please don’t leave me ever again” Klaus begged his voice sounding like he was gonna cry again looking at Dave “I’m not going anywhere” Dave said kissing Klaus on the lips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I’m sorry” - me to myself


	5. Yes , A Thousand Times Yes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A pride month proposal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to post something for pride , im a terrible pansexual 👻🙃

Pride month / pride parades weren’t something Dave was familiar with in the 60s , but after being with Klaus and grand total of 5 months in 2019 Dave has learned quite a few things like number one being that you can be who the fuck you want without any judgement ok maybe a little judgement but not as much as you would get back in his time .   
Today was a special day Klaus had said it was the day of the pride parade and of course Klaus’s extra ass was going and because Dave loves Klaus and because he was curious and he was planning on asking Klaus a really important question because he could finally legally ask him (hint hint 😉) Dave was going with him , when Dave had said he was going Klaus squealed he and vanya pulled Dave to his and Klaus’s room . 

Vanya knew what Dave was planning she had been more then happy to help him put his plan into action 

Klaus was decked out in a pansexual flag and a nonbinary flag both tied around his neck like a cape accompanied by his favorite side lace up jeans , a rainbow crop top , and his converse with his eyeliner on point as usual with added glitter   
Vanya on the other hand had a lesbian flag tied around her neck matched with a black t-shirt , jeans , combat boots, and a flannel tied around her waist with a touch of glitter compliments of Klaus   
They had put Dave in a white t-shirt , black slim fitting jeans , half laced up combat boots , Vanya tied a rainbow flag around his neck , Dave had glitter on his face and lipstick prints on his neck thanks to Klaus as Klaus put it “You’re hot and I want everyone to know you’re mine” Dave had rolled his eye at that but he never passed up an opportunity to have Klaus’s lips on him 

They had left the academy meeting Vanya’s girlfriend Emma half way downtown to where the parade was being held , Klaus’s green eyes were sparkling with excitement Dave loved seeing Klaus smile he wanted to see that smile forever   
About an hour or two into pride Dave was getting nervous to say the least he knew Klaus loved him but he was still nervous he felt the ring in his front pocket Vanya slipped him it when she was putting the flag on him 

The ring was silver band with a sizable sapphire in the middle on either side of the sapphire the ring was lined with black diamonds   
It was simple and elegant but extra and badass just like Klaus 

“Get ready” Dave said to Vanya who smiled bigger than she already was pulling out her phone getting ready to film this they moved off to the side with Vanya and Ben distracting Klaus “Hell no! pineapple on pizza is just wrong” Klaus said looking disgusted Dave stood behind Klaus pulling the ring out of his pocket , Vanya secretly filming Dave got down on one knee behind Klaus “I don’t care what you says pineapple doesn’t belong on piz-“ Klaus’s rant was interrupted by Dave “Klaus” he said making Klaus turn around “Holy shit” Klaus breathed 

“Marry me?” Dave asked opening the ring box Klaus was speechless for a second before screaming “YES!” Jumping on Dave as he got off the ground kissing him Dave pulled away first sliding the ring onto Klaus’s finger Klaus looked at the ring he had no idea he was crying till Dave wiped away the tears , the people around them started clapping and shouting congratulations   
“I’m crying in the club” Emma said “Same” Vanya replied going over to hug her brother and brother in -law Emma following suit 

“GUESS WHAT BITCHES ! IM GETTING MARRIED AND NO ONE BUT ME IS ALLOWED TO WEAR A DRESS” Klaus yelled when they got back home 

This little weirdo was Dave’s forever and he couldn’t of asked for a better pride experience

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave kudos , comments ( I just wanna hear from my readers!!) 
> 
> Bye babes


	6. SPAGHETTI!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another tumblr post prompt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally where the fuck have you been ?! , you must be smoking dick if you think - 
> 
> Relax babe , I’m here now I’m back relax you look good have you been working out?
> 
> -_-
> 
> Ok ok so I haven’t posted in a while but I am now

There’s just somethings you don’t mess with the gays on because we will carve your still beating heart out with a spoon 

One of those things is food, Five decided being the little prick I-I mean joy uh yeah joy that he was gonna fuck with our resident pansexual non-binary kween Klaus, Klaus had taken up cooking for four reasons 1.) ordering in got boring and unhealthy after a few days 2.) he needed a distraction from his super power training 3.) he needed to get his mind off the sweet sweet craving for crystal meth 4.) Antoni Porowski is not only a snack but an amazingly talented chef that Klaus could learn a thing or two from whilst drooling over him 

Today Klaus had decided to make spaghetti, he was craving some carbs and according to Allison ‘PoP tRaTs ArEn’T a BaLaNcEd mEaL ‘ he chose pasta because it was fairly simple and delicious plus he couldn’t burn the kitchen down while trying to boil water   
granted there was that one time in 2014 but we don’t talk about 2014

Moving on hehe

Klaus had spent a fair amount of time making sure the pasta was perfecto! al dente if you will, Klaus slaved over the sauce like his non existent Italian grandmother would kick his ass if he messed up he added the garlic and the salt just the right amount to break down the acidity of the tomatoes not to mention the fresh basil he bought that not only gave flavor and color but it was a nice aroma that complimented the sauce quite nicely   
Not to mention he nearly grated his fingers while adding the cheese because if you eat pasta without cheese ya nasty 

Klaus’s presentation of the spaghetti was amazingly iconic in his opinion just as he was getting his phone and setting up the bowl of pasta in the perfect position with the perfect lighting to take final shots of it for his relatively new but relatively successful Instagram food account called @klausskitchen

Five had appeared in the room coffee in one hand half creepy manikin body in the other stupid smirk on his face the jump had rocked the room knocking the spaghetti on the floor , Klaus nearly had a heart attack at his beautiful creations death 

Klaus had gotten better at quite a few things while away in 1968 his throwing aim being one of them having to throw grenades before they went off taking your hand with it could make even the most uncoordinated person have the aim of a professional base ball player 

Time seemed to stand still for a moments “ pasta though, I don’t think it’s supposed to be eaten off the floor “ Five said smirking before Five could react and jump out of the kitchen all that was heard was 

“BITCH!” 

Before a sauce pan went flying sending sauce all over the kitchen before colliding with Five’s nose “OW! fuck” Five said holding his nose, Vanya came rushing in at the commotion 

“Why is Five’s nose bleeding?!”

Vanya asked Klaus who just looked away not wanting to meet his sisters eye 

“Klaus” Vanya said again 

“He knocked my spaghetti on to the floor “ Klaus said pouting like a child 

“So you punched him?!” Vanya asked voice raised a little bit her eyebrow raised at her older by a millisecond brother 

“No....” Klaus trailed off 

“Then what’d you do?” Vanya asked voice slightly calmer looking at her injured brother arms crossed over her chest 

“He threw a sauce pan at me “ Five said annoyed disappearing out of the room to go get cleaned up Vanya following 

“Ya know, you’re gonna have to clean this up “ Ben said sitting on the kitchen table, Klaus rolled his eyes giving his brother the finger 

“Fuck off , bro” Klaus grumbled going to get a mop

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp that happened some heavy stuff coming soon & a crack chapter 
> 
> Later cheese bags


	7. alien ou-

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klaus and Ben kidnap an alien named norm #area51raid 👽🖖

Klaus and Ben found themselves in the interrogation room the FBI was on their way Dave and Diego were standing on the other side of the room looking at the two as if they had lost their minds and if Dave was concerned which he was they had 

You’re probably wondering how they got to this point and you wouldn’t be the only one so I’ll tell ya ..... 

It all started when Klaus decide to check his twitter at three in the goddamn morning like any functioning ex crack head does while with their dead but certainly not forgotten brother reading over their shoulder about an Area 51 raid in September   
“Ya know let’s just get an alien now , please Klaus please can we get an alien” Ben begged whoever said the dead were quiet clearly lied “I mean I’m down but how would we even get to-“ Klaus said trailing off “BRIEFCASE!” Klaus blurted out louder than necessary earning himself a fuck off from the old lady next door 

“SHUT YO GAY ASS UP BOI , DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER THERE AGIAN” she yelled Klaus shivered at the thought of last time that woman made Vietnam look like a fun house when she got mad he never been beaten by a little old lady with a slipper before but damn was she strong   
Ben still found the whole thing hilarious he was straight up rollin when he witnessed that and Dave hadn’t known weather to intervene or to go back to cooking dinner he decided garlic bread was more important and Klaus couldn’t argue with him on that so he got beaten by a shoe 

“We could use the briefcase to get to Nevada” Klaus said in a almost whisper “YEAH BOY” Ben yelled out this time dancing around the room only to be scolded once again by Mrs.Jones 

“BOI WHAT DID I TELL YOU ! SCREAMING AT THIS UNGODLY HOUR , SHUT YOUR TENTACLE HAVIN’ OCTOPUS LOOKIN’ ASS UP , GODDAMN” Mrs . Jones yelled and Ben looked offended it was Klaus’s turn to laugh he was wheezing “She- tol-d your ass” Klaus laughed out “Sis I - that wasn’t good fun nor fresh” Ben said Klaus screamed at that statement only to be roasted by Mrs.Jones 

“SHUT YO JEFFREE STAR , E.T. LOOKIN’ ASS UP” she yelled   
After the 3am roasting session was over Ben and Klaus took the briefcase out of its hiding spot Klaus had stolen it from Five and was holding it for ransom and until he was payed his twenty dollars for pretending to be his dad he wasn’t getting the briefcase back Klaus had been careful to not make any loud noises in fear of being roasted by Mrs. Jones again 

Klaus had set the coordinates in the lock opening the case with a flash of blue light they were in the Nevada desert on a heavily guarded but oddly quiet military base 

“Where do you think they keep the aliens?” Ben asked peaking his head around the a building along with Klaus “I don’t know Ben , maybe in the big white building that has a glowing green light coming from it” Klaus said in a obvious tone “how we gonna get past the gate it’s electric and ghost can’t pass that shit “ Ben said looking at his brother “Well I don’t know about you but ima float over it” Klaus said looking down at Ben from mid air Ben rolled his eyes floating up to where his brother was sitting on his lap   
“Get off , you’re heavy” Klaus groaned quietly Ben flipped him off 

Klaus had to work twice as hard to quietly float over the gate for a ghost Ben sure weighed a ton , maybe Klaus was just lazy ? yeah it was probably that   
Klaus made it slowly over the gate landing on the dusty ground quietly “Ok get your Asian Kim k lookin’ ass off” Klaus said pushing his brother off him “Rude , Kim k is beautiful” Ben said sticking his tongue out 

Klaus dropped pulling Ben with him into the shadows when he heard someone coming 

“I swear on honeybees, I heard talking back here “   
“Honestly I think the heat is getting to you Novak”  
“Oh fuck off Winchester “   
The two men grumbled to each other walking off , Klaus let out the breath he was holding “That was close” Ben said Klaus nodded 

The brothers made it inside the building with little issues that was until Klaus almost fell out of the two story window 

Klaus and Ben made quick work findin’ them aliens well more like alien just one alien in a cell looking at them like they were insane “Awww Benny look ! Isn’t he just adorable?!” Klaus said looking like a five year old in a pet store getting their first puppy , Ben rolled his eyes at his brothers extraness   
Klaus went to pick the lock to get the alien out of the cell only for it to hiss at him Ben nearly lost it when Klaus hissed back 

“Ok why don’t we get outta here before they comeback “ Ben said looking at his brother who was glaring at the little green creature with black eyes , Klaus nodded opening the case for back home “neerrroouuum” was heard from the alien as they were sucked into the case landing with a thud back in the apartment 

“YALL WORKIN MY LAST NERVE” Mrs . Jones yelled when they landed Klaus and the two aliens shared a look

“Klaus” Ben said watching the alien roam around the house “yeah” Klaus answered “How are you gonna explain why you have an alien to your fiancé?” Ben asked “Well dear brother Davey is working a double with Diego they have a lot of paper work so we have at least the next twenty four hours till we need to worry about that , plus if he’s really that mad about it I do have exceptional oral skills” Klaus said with a smile Ben gaged at his brothers delectation 

“So what’s your name?” Klaus asked the alien “Norm” the alien replied taking both Ben and Klaus aback “You speak English ?” Ben said in amazement “I speak 137 different languages you dip shit even moron as you two can see” norm said Ben looked a little offended while Klaus was showing Norm his bong collection even the (‘dong’ a dick bong ) the alien was impressed even lighting up a joint of some dank ass space weed and sharing with Klaus 

Klaus and Ben took Norm all over the city from shopping to clubs to get waffles Norm was a pretty dope alien who could twerk better then Cardi B , Klaus bought the alien a Gucci hoodie and some yeezy boost v2s   
They were all living their best life watching the office while getting lit that night when Dave suddenly came through the door walking past the living room only to stop and do a double take at the 4 foot green alien in gucci smoking with his boyfriend on their couch  
_____________________________________________

“Ok wait , you were smoking a bong with the alien ?” Diego asked his dumbass brothers   
“Yes now let me finish the story” Klaus said   
_____________________________________________  
“Klaus what is that?” Dave asked his fiancé “Oh this is called a dong ya know dick bong “ Klaus said like it was the most obvious thing in the world Ben shook his head his brother was really clueless at times “No no I didn't mean that , I meant the little green creature wearing Gucci sitting next to you” Dave said like he was talking about a seemingly normal topic like the weather 

Klaus looked at Ben for help he just shook his head looking back at Norm who was drinking fireball straight out the bottle   
Klaus looked back at Dave who was waiting for an answer Klaus gulped looking at Dave “Would you believe me if I said cat?” Klaus asked Norm meowed Klaus smiled , Dave shook his head asking himself why he was marrying Klaus again oh that’s right he was fucking insane that’s what it had to be 

So that’s how Klaus , Norm , and a corporeal Ben ended up at the station with the FBI on their way   
_____________________________________________

“You’re aware you two can’t keep an alien right ?” Dave asked genuinely concerned that these two thought they could they nodded sadly 

“Hey guys the FBI’s here” Patch said coming into the room with two large guys in suits “We’re agents Way and Iero , you boys have committed a serious government crime “ Agent way said looking at Klaus “Oh what a truly shocking revelation” Klaus said rolling his eyes “Do you think this is funny boy?” Agent Iero said Klaus thought for a moment before answering “A little” he said with a smirk 

Dave and Diego just shook their heads Klaus was so getting arrested , the agent went to hit Klaus that’s when they detectives had to step in Klaus of course was laughing the whole time because he was insane 

“Say good bye to your alien boys “ Agent Way said the alien came through the door with a guard in shackles still in gucci and yeezys like a queen 

Klaus and Ben got up hugging the alien “Neeerrruuuoomm” norm said sadly making the stark trek hand symbol 🖖 “Neeerrrrruuuuoooommmm” Ben and Klaus said back 🖖 

“Just let em’ keep the damn alien” Agent Iero said sobbing grabbing Agent Way’s handkerchief blowing his nose   
“Pull yourself together man and stop your blubbering “ Agent Way said ushering the sobbing man out the door 

Klaus and Ben smiled at getting to keep Norm , Norm hugged them back “Let’s get lit” he said “YASSSSSS” Klaus said back following the alien out of the station

Dave rubber his eyes this was gonna be a long week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m thing of doing a kink bingo , would that be something y’all are interested in ? Please let me know 
> 
> Also a big hug and all the kudos to you guys you’re amazing 
> 
> Thanks babes


	8. Dora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just read it !!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr prompts man

Klaus was fucking drunk so was Ben , Ben had proposed to his long time girlfriend Deana and it was his bachelor party granted that party ended two hours ago and it was currently 3am and he and Klaus were back at the academy drunk as shit eating pizza rolls and watching Dora the Explorer with all their sibling including Dave and Patch’s Ghosts both dead and both wondering how the hell they got to this point 

‘Boots come on’ the TV said showing the blue and yellow monkey Klaus had a look of realization on his face turning to look at Luther who looked really uncomfortable with the look on Klaus’s face “Luther looks like a monkey” Klaus snickered to Ben who nodded in agreement stuffing more pizza rolls in his mouth Luther and Allison just glared at both of them leaving the room to probably go to sleep or something Klaus didn’t want to know about 

‘Boots we’re going to see our cousin Diego’ Dora said Klaus and Ben both turned to look at Diego they looked like kids in a candy store “I swear to god call me Diego go and I’ll stab both of you” Diego said leaving the room leaving Klaus and been alone with the ghost and a giant bottle of blue UV “Daveyyy” Klaus said looking at his semi transparent ghost bae “Do you think Diego would really stab us?” Klaus slurred the last bit of his sentence taking a swig from the bottle on the coffee table “At this point yes he would stab both of you” Dave said at this point so done with watching Klaus and Ben be crackheads all night the peak moment of the night was when Ben walked right into a dumpster almost knocking himself unconscious for a minute and Klaus poking him with a stick asking “Is you good bro” While laughing and Ben replying with “I’m Gucci fam” giving a shaky thumbs up from his spot on the ground . Dave didn’t think it was possible for ghosts to get migraines but Klaus really did find a way for that to happen 

‘Where did swiper go?’ The tv asked “Behind you , you dumb bitch” Ben said ‘Swiper is behind us ? You found him’ Dora said “Bitch I know I found him unlike your stupid ass” Ben said back taking the bottle from Klaus’s hand 

“Ben look!” Klaus said his cheeks filled with pizza rolls “I’m a chipmunk” he said laughing Ben nearly spit out his drink laughing at his brother “You *wheeze* look like a *wheeze* bisexual squirrel” Ben gasped out from laughing so hard “well I do like nutssssss” Klaus said causing Ben to fucking loose it again even the ghosts had to laugh at that one 

The two boys were laughing so hard they didn’t realize that an empty bottle of circo fell and broke an expensive lamp that Allison had bought until they heard her voice “WHAT WAS THAT!?” She yelled from upstairs the two brothers stopped laughing sobering up almost instantly “NOTHING” the two yelled in unison sounding guilty as fuck   
They both took off running more like stumbling in different directions when they heard Allison’s heeled footsteps quickly approaching   
“KLAUS ! BEN! YOU TWO ARE SO DEAD!” Alison yelled when she got to the living room seeing the broken 1.1 million dollar diamond encrusted gold lamp that was now in shaders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you prefer spongebob or Dora?


	9. Go off I guess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Imagine Klaus going off about something in the 60s and Dave being like babe I support you fully but what the fuck is a Kardashian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at me posting two days in a row who is she productive ? Nope just gay 
> 
> FYI IM AWARE KLAUS IS PANSEXUAL (as am I) BUT WE PANS JUST CALL OURSELVES GAY INSTEAD OF GETTING INTO ALL THAT IGHT

Klaus’s gay ass was stuck in 1968 but he was making the most out of it meaning he saw a hot dude like five months back and was like ‘ayy papi come dick me down’ Klaus of course didn’t say that out loud he was after all in the 60s in a fucking war zone ! but he did get said hot dude and was getting dicked down quite frequently these days which was saying something because as fore mentioned he was in a bloody ghost infested smelly as all fuck war ZONE! see Klaus isn’t dramatic just super gay and ADHD and off any and all drugs prescribed and not prescribed that being said he’d randomly burst out random thoughts he had but his brain was still on 2019 time not 1968 time so when he’d laugh at something he thought of like ‘Ayy we toasty fam’ he couldn’t tell anyone because his comrades already thought he was off his rocker which he was but he didn’t need them thinking he’d completely lost any form of brain cell that was still up there or when he’d randomly burst out singing MCR lyrics of course no one in the 60s knew who the fuck Gerard Way is or even what MCR is but Klaus didn’t care he couldn’t help it it’s not like he had on off switch or a verbal filter sometimes his mouth got him in trouble with his superiors like that one time last week

 

’flashback’ 

“HARGREEVES!” his commanding officer Kaspbrak yelled coming into his tent the privates in the tent all jumped up suddenly stiff forming a straight line even Dave saluted the commanding officer Klaus apparently didn’t get the memo because he was still shuffling poker cards and rambling on and on about how sex work was a hard job and that cum dump Johns weren’t as nice as people said they were “HARGREEVES!” Kaspbrak yelled again this time directly in Klaus’s ear causing Klaus to jump at least ten feet in the air who does that kinda thing “Christ on a Cracker! Holy shit dude you scared the fuck outta me what’s wrong with you ! You can’t just go around screaming in people’s ears like that ! Fuck bro are you trying to kill me !? this ain’t gucci fam” Klaus said finally standing up to face the taller man the other soldiers including Dave just shook their heads knowing Klaus was either gonna have to fucking do night patrol or dig trenches “I have no idea of half of what you just said boy but that tone will not fly with me “; now see this where the real problem occurred Klaus’s lack of verbal filter got him in more trouble then usual because let’s face it Klaus is a bit of an asshole at times “i HaVe No IdEa WhAt YoU jUsT sAiD bOy , BuT tHaT tOnE wIlL nOt FlY wItH mE” Klaus mocked laughing to himself the other soldiers in the tent were just as shocked as Kaspbrak was Dave was giving him a ‘what the actual fuck is wrong with you ’ look “Thats it Hargreeves you’re on night patrol and digging trenches” Kaspbrak said leaving the tent of soldiers 

Klaus just rolled his eyes and went back to shuffling his poker cards going back to rambling on about his rant about sex work “You got balls , Hargreeves “ Jones said laughing to himself sitting on his cot “Klaus can you come with me for a minute” Dave said walking out of the tent it took Klaus a couple minutes for it to process but once it did he practically ran out of the tent (mainly because half of his dick appointments these days were quickies behind tents and parked jeeps) he found Dave behind the shipment tent no one really came or worked in there so it was quiet and the perfect place to fuck ‘focus Klaus’ he said to himself “Hey Davey” Klaus said skipping up to his secret boyfriend “Hey Klaus” he said back his tone neutral which was odd for him because Dave usually spoke to Klaus with a happy tone “ok what’s up” Klaus said knowing something was off “Klaus I love you but babe you seriously gotta tone it down I know you’re from New York but you can’t talk to people like that especially not your commanding officer ! Jesus Klaus your mouth is gonna get you killed ” Dave said seriously Klaus knew it wasn’t that deep and he hadn’t told Dave about all of his issues because he well he still wanted a boyfriend at the end of the day but Klaus’s brain was about as dramatic as a drag queen so what he said next probably would have triggered a brake up had it been 2019 but it was the late sixties so it didn’t but it did spark a fight “Fuck off Katz , you don’t know shit about me I can talk to anyone anyway I fucking want commanding officer or not if ya hadn’t noticed I don’t give a shit go fuck your self Dave” Klaus snapped walking away 

‘End of flash back’ 

 

Klaus smiled at the memory that fight ended with Klaus over Dave’s knee in their shared hotel room it was a weekend of a lot of sex Klaus couldn’t walk right for a week 

Klaus sat down smiling he was in the mess hall working on an Apple bong he had a lot of energy today and was rambling on about the Kardashians about how Kim seriously needed to leave Kanye because he was a controlling bastard and about how Kylie cosmetics wasn’t worth it and if you were gonna spend twenty dollars on lipstick it should be from a good brand like M.A.C or Max Factor. Klaus had been ranting about this to the nurses who all nodded in agreement although confused but they had to get to work , so Klaus plopped down across from Dave and Max continuing his rant about Kris Jenner and how you shouldn’t mix business and family because it never ends well and there’s proof of that in the form of Botox and lip injections 

The two soldiers shared a look turning back to Klaus who was busy carving into his Apple bong making it perfect so he could smoke that of that good Vietnam shit and maybe calm the fuck down for once because he’d hadn’t slept in the last fucking week the night patrol wasn’t helping and the ghost count was wracking up and Klaus was honestly fucking spiraling all he needed to do was get through the next few days get Dave through the next few days get his bong through the next few days and he’d be riding the nice plain of high bliss and sex highs for the next two weeks because the commanding officer was fucking sick of Klaus and wanted him gone honestly it was amazing Klaus hadn’t given Kaspbrak a heart attack yet , “Klaus as your friend I support you but what the fuck is a Kardashian” Dave said they always had to play the just friends roll in front of others because once AGAIN it was the fucking 1960s “Oh Davey I have so much to show you” Klaus said smiling getting up grabbing Dave’s Apple walking out of the Mess tent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think Khloe is the only tolerable Kardashian that being said what’s your go to trash TV show? Mines jersey shore


	10. Klaus No!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A re write of the scene in the office where Klaus pretends to be Five’s dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuses for why I haven’t posted since Halloween as previously stated MCR is back and being cryptic as shit 
> 
> Just a thought I had around 2 am after being up for two days : Five Hargreeves reminds me of frank Iero , personality wise and they both have amazing eyebrows

Ben Hargreeves was seriously questioning how he got to this point in life - well after life that is he was currently watching his crackhead (literally and figuratively) brother pretend to be his other crackhead brothers father this was a shit-show and a law suit just waiting to happen and Ben knew it as well as anyone else in the room , the minute Klaus strolled through the door in that stupid suit Ben knew not to except anything but chaos 

“But what about my consent?” Klaus asked the doctor who looked as confused as Ben was until it clicked when he saw the glint in his brothers eye “oh no” Ben thought to himself this really wasn’t gonna end well   
“What about my consent , who told you you could put your hands on my son?” Klaus asked the doctor again smiling maniacally to himself Ben really wasn’t looking forward to spending another six hours in a jail cell with only Klaus to keep him company again this week “I didn’t put my hand on your son” the doctor explained the confusion clear in his tone of voice and body language “Then who gave him that swollen lip?!” Klaus asked a sick smile playing at his lips , “Klaus no please don’t” Ben said to his brother in an almost pleading tone but Klaus didn’t even spare him a glance just tightening his fist at his side giving the doctor a charming smile “Klaus no!” Ben tried again this time louder but once again Klaus ignored him deciding instead to clock Five right in the mouth leaving his bottom lip swollen and bloody 

“Oh my FUCKING god!” Ben said shaking his head his brother really had a death wish Five was gonna kill this stupid hoe “You gonna finna die , Klaus “ Ben said looking between Klaus , Five , and the doctor who now looked scared and a little shocked Ben really couldn’t blame him , Ben saw Klaus pick up the quite expensive looking and might he add GLASS snowglobe “Klaus whatever you’re about to do , don’t !” Ben warned but it was too late Klaus was already set on it “Aww peace on earth that’s sweet” He said before smashing the globe right against his head “That ones gonna leave a mark” Ben breathed into his first after that ordeal Ben couldn’t watch this shit Circus anymore so he decided to wait outside the last thing he heard was Klaus yelling for security 

“You’re useless!” Five hissed and teleported away leaving Klaus alone with Ben on the steps outside the building and Ben was in a lecturing mood after witnessing what he did “What in the name of hell is wrong with you Klaus ! Don’t answer that! Seriously god you know he’s gonna kill you right you dumb ass hoe and really man smashing a snow globe upside your head really?! It’s not like we have one brain cell shared between us already , of all things you really are crazy enough to deck Five even if the little bastard deserves it he’s going to fucking murder you in your sleep or something , watch just you wait just like when we were kids and five replaced your shampoo with Nair because you took his subject rat and named it Remy because you wanted a pet or do you not remember being bald on the top of your head for six months ! Six . Months. The worst part is you didn’t even get your twenty bucks which is why I took the liberty of swiping the doctors wallet while you two where being crackheads , now let’s go get some waffles “ Ben said walking down the street leaving Klaus stunned for a moment before he made the decision to follow his octopus brother “I heard that” Ben yelled from in front of him “ I didn’t say nothing “ Klaus yelled back defensively “No but you were thinking it “ Ben said when Klaus finally caught up to him , ahh what would he ever do without family ? Probably be a sober functioning adult? Nah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a chapter I’ve been working on since summer that I should probably finish but who knows

**Author's Note:**

> More coming soooon 
> 
> What should I post next ? Fluff or smut 
> 
> Have an amazing day/night peeps


End file.
